How Else Can I Lick Them? Neuticles. Great Balls of Fire!

Certainly this piece can be posted without any comment from me. I know I would want them had I gone in to be fixed.

NEUTICLES



from the brochure; reprinted with permission



recommended by Danny Collier

Neutering can be traumatic—for you and your beloved pet.



Since 1995 over 100,000 pet owners Worldwide have selected an alternative to the traditional form of neutering.



Neuticles replicates the pets testicles in size, shape, weight and feel allowing your pet to retain his appearance—even after neutering.



Ask your veternarian about Neuticles—the safe, simple and inexpensive option when neutering your pet—or visit our [website].

Photos from Flickr. Diana.

Vicious Dogs Cut Loose On Crowd Waiting For New I-Phone? We're Always Home But There's No One There.

There's absolutely no truth, as far as I know, to the rumor that vicious dogs were loosed on a crowd awaiting the new I-Phone 4. The crowds supposedly were unruly in certain places, but the rest I just made up.

What's going on? Cellphones for most people do not draw us closer, but keep us apart. I understand they are useful as a tool for business, emergencies, and to keep your kids safe. But do we need to be plugged in always? And at what cost?

If one chats on a cellphone while walking the dog, well, it's not the end of the world. Though the dog might want some more attention, he'll survive. I saw a lady the other day walking in my neighborhood, chatting on a cellphone while she had a child in the stroller. This is not meant as an indictment of chatting on the cellphone, but our children are more important.It's not that we can't stroll and talk, but where does the chat end?

I live in Northern California, in a somewhat rural area. There's a huge open space park probably 1/3 of a mile from me. There's horses in my neighborhood, a vineyard, and beautiful vistas of the hills and bay. Do we engage our children on such walks? Look at the horse, look at the birds? No, our chats about nothing are more important.

What really have we to talk about at the grocery store? Here's how any grocery store conversation should go. 

"Hello, I'm at the grocery store. Do you need anything? A quart of milk, okay. See you soon."

Everyone is on the phone. We are so obsessed with our own self-importance that we ignore those around us.

Our children are busy texting instead of talking to us. Our relations ignore us in favor of their friends. We even have devices so we don't have to use our hands as we walk about, ignoring our surroundings and those real folks we see.

A park bench doesn't lead to a new friend and conversation with that friend, but to an opportunity to blab on our cells.We air our business, or lack thereof while we are supposed to be conversing at a restaurant.

I'm not so lame that I don't know this is a lost cause. I seem to be choosing a lot of lost causes these days. I would write more on this subject, but you know what? I have a call coming in.

I'm still compiling a list of pet adoption agencies on The Dog Chronicles Page on Facebook. I want to make it easy for people to post a dog that needs adopting with just a couple of clicks. To get to the Facebook page, enter http:// before you enter The Dog Chronicles. I will add agencies often until I get them all I hope. If just one of you will post a dog from your local area that needs adopting, maybe one of your friends will follow your lead. That's all I ask.

Photos Courtesy of Flickr. Thanks Andy, Spikeblacklab, Ed Yourdon, Alex Segre, and Stephadamo.

The Maurice Project-- Pet Cemetery-- Put Me Down! OK, It Ain't Funny To Me

Today, June 25th, 2010 we are launching the "Maurice Project." I'm going to make it as simple as possible to post dogs for adoption on your Facebook page. The Maurice Project seeks to get photos and information about dogs and other animals in need onto pages across the country. If you see a dog in your area that calls out to you, or if you know someone who needs a pet, post it. I'm going to scour the web for sites of shelters that tie into Facebook. A few clicks and some dog will be viewed by everyone you are in contact with on Facebook.

Here's two sites near my hometown and in my current area that make it easy for you to post an animal in need of adoption. Check them out. We can help. It's easy.

http://www.hssv.org/-- This is the Humane Society Silicon Valley. They have a Facebook page.

www://sdhumane.org This is the Humane Society & SPCA San Diego. They also have a Facebook page.

Stay tuned for more.








"Here Lies Fluffy
Hit By A Car
Not So Fluffy Anymore"

That is my contribution to pet epitaphs. I have put down a couple of pets unfortunately. Watched them die. Buried birds in the backyard, or turtles, or hamsters. It ain't fun. But we all got to go. Let's face it. Let's face it with some humor. After all, we're all supposed to be headed to a better place.

W.C. Fields epitaph reads something like "I'd rather be in Philadelphia."

Maybe I wish mine would say something like "Temporarily Away from My Desk." I don't know.

The Onion lists a some fictional pet epitaphs.

"Fetch the Stars, Woofer."

"Flattened Too Soon."

"Put Down With Love."

"The Lease Said 'No Pets.'"

If you're going to bury your pet, I suggest you don't do something creepy like the cat grave above.

My dog Maurice died a good death. He suffered from a bad heart. We knew he didn't have long to go, and in the end he hadn't much gas left in his tank. But when he died, he was in our front yard, heading out, to have a run in the neighborhood. Now our dogs don't run wild unless they escape. That was Maurice's intent-- a rebel to the last. He was heading down the driveway, for one last fling. I saw him and called him back and... well, that was it. He died. Right that moment. At the end of the drive, he collapsed and was dead.

"God Bless His Disobedient Little Heart."

THE END

Photos courtesy of Flickr. Thanks to agilitynut and Swissrunner.

After We Dye the Dog, We'll Shave the Cat. Dog Modification. Wanted-- Your Opinion.

Okay, so it isn't alarming exactly, this return to dyeing our dogs to suit our tastes, but it is rather demeaning, even for a dog. That our pets are so compliant makes it no better. Some folks have taken the idea to extremes-- like the Chinese.

Are the Chinese the new Californians? Now I am a native of the Golden State. I have heard the joke about California being the land of "Fruits and Nuts." Perhaps the Chinese have taken over the "nut" part. Yes, I know I am hard on the Chinese, but you'd think they'd be too busy harvesting human internal organs to engage in such nonsense. Nonetheless, when they're not making poo-poo jokes about their government on Google, or arresting dissidents for wearing their pajamas in public, they waste their time dyeing dogs.

I have a suggestion. The Chinese, and all other dog dyers ought to modify their own appearances and leave their dogs the hell alone.

There is tattooing.

Get a tattoo.

It's easy and available.

Or let's get more extreme.

The Chinese are surely experts in foot binding. Have another run at that.

There are other extreme forms of body modification. How 'bout the wasp-waist of the past?

There is a lady who looks like a cat. Why doesn't some enterprising soul hit the plastic surgeon's office for a chihuahua remodel. That's it. Good money in that. Heard the Taco Bell dog has passed. Also no dubbing necessary in the commercials. Just a testimonial from the Taco Bell Human.

"Si, I like Taco Bell Gorditos."

Jeez, I am so freakin grouchy. Anyway, you know my opinion.

I'm interested in your's. What do you think? Is dyeing your dog harmless, or a waste of time, money and energy?

Photos courtesy of  Lisa G. and Flickr. Also Reuters and a bunch of people who have gone to heaven.

VEGAS DOGS! VIVA ELVIS DOGS! LONG LIVE KA DOGS!

Ah, Las Vegas. I hadn't been there in years, and frankly, it is not-- or was not a favorite place. I have family there. My mother and my sister, so Las Vegas does not end up being strictly a vacation, but sometimes an obligation. Also, let's face it, it is hot and expensive. Also I spent some years there as a kid, and it does not hold particularly good memories.
But Vegas has changed. Grown up.
First, the doggie part, because I have some obligation to tie this into dogs. First day we went to my sister and brother-in-law's house for a one night stay. They have three large dogs. The largest being Dixie (not after the Dixie Chicks) who is a mastiff-shepard mix. This huge dog ran the other direction immediately upon our entrance. Even my 13 (almost 14-- Happy Birthday Ani in eight days) year-old granddaughter scared Dixie at first. Nonetheless, the behemoth did warm up some to the women in our group by the end of a day. I have not spent a lot of time around big dogs for awhile. At one point, my wife and I shared a home in San Francisco with five dogs, three of them large. So there's the dogs, except for the sight of a pit bull in sunglasses on the strip, a homeless person's chihuahua, and a dog or two cradled by tourists, dogs were not in profusion on this trip.
What was in profusion was good times. We stayed at Aria for three nights. Now Aria and the City Center is Vegas all grown up. Gone are the glitzy lights. There is only one casino in the complex of four hotels/co ops /apparments. Aria and the center is gorgeous. My sister is the head of uniforms for the Aria. She purchased uniforms for 7,000 employees, keeps the uniforms in order and fitted, etc. She has some 30,000 uniforms I believe. If they are not being worn, or cleaned, they are kept in order on a huge conveyor system. Each employee goes to a locker, slips in a badge,and the conveyor brings the uniform to the employee. My sister travelled the world in search of the uniforms and the vendors. She even got wined and dined by top designers. I'm proud of my kid sis. She works hard and has succeeded-- though she did not arrange a private cocktail waitress fitting for my benefit.
The food at Aria is fantastic. We had amazing Jean Phillipe pastries every morning for breakfast. At Sirio, the Italian restaurant inside Aria, we ate a wonderful meal that included five desserts plus-- and even a sparkling dessert wine from Asti.
As for the shows. What a great time. First Viva Elvis at Aria is a Cirque du Soleil show all about well, Elvis. It is disappointing if one goes expecting strictly a Cirque show replete with amazing feats of acrobatics. There is an amazing trampoline section of the show and some other acrobatics, but in truth, it is more fantastic music, incredible dance and costumes, and energy than eye-popping acrobatics that make the show. Just go with an open mind, even if you don't like Elvis, you'll come out happy.
Last night we crossed the street and saw Cirque du Soleil's KA. Do not miss KA. There is a moving, flying, standing stage/boat/mountain/desert island that is the centerpiece of the show.  This is more allegorical story than the usual Cirque shows perhaps. But the show is simply astounding. (When I say astounding I want to say it like Bjork would sing it. Ah-stound-ding.) Again, go to Vegas, see KA. It will not disappoint.

Lastly, let me congratulate Las Vegas, and especially the City Center and Aria. They have changed the face of Las Vegas. You know, it's not easy to find service in this world anywhere, even if you pay for it. But everyone at Aria treated us very well. The maids, the servers, the doormen, and front desk folks all treated us like royalty. They are efficient and hard-working. And that is what I noticed about Vegas. Whether it is the staff of Aria, my sister, or the people selling bottled water on the streets, everyone seems hard-working in Las Vegas. Even the noisy, ever present men and women handing out naked girl picture cards promising a naked girl to you in 20 minutes-- work hard. Since I was on vacation, I managed to greet every person I dealt with a thank you or a good morning/day/evening. It worked. I walked away from almost every situation with good wishes for my stay.
My wife, who is even less than I a Las Vegas person, wants to go back to Aria.
My granddaughter loved it.
Viva Las Vegas. May you ever grow and prosper.

Dogs as Art-- What If Dogs Were the Subject of Great Art? Off to Vegas. Content Added June 10.

What if dogs were the models of the great artists?

Take the Mona Lisa.

Or this painting by Monet.

Or The Sleep of Endymion.

I truly am on the way to Las Vegas next week. No, not to serve out a jail term. That was a joke.

I spent some years in Vegas as a kid. Probably four years altogether. My mother had a friend who used to dye her poodle pink at Christmas. Talk about dog art!

Send in your dog pics up against art classics. Lynn, my wife, says the lady with the umbrella painting doesn't really match the dog (Moo) taking the air. Oh well.

Chinese Astronauts Eat Dogs on Mission-- True!

From all my extensive research (five minutes on the Internet) reputable newspapers report that Chinese astronauts ate dog meat in space (to maintain their strength.) No, not hot dogs as indicated above, but real Rover dogs, pun intended. Now this just makes me angry, but not for the reason you may think.
You may ask, what does this reporter/blogger/bon mot have against the Chinese and Sarah Palin?
As far as the Chinese go, I think they are clueless as to the ways of the world. Why dog meat? It's just self-indulgent, like asking for your 20 year-old girlfriend to go along on the mission with you because she's hot. Come on... they know this makes people angry-- eating our pets.
Now in the case of Sarah Palin, my wife swears I love her. Maybe I do. There is no end to the stupid things she says and does. She's a delight. I am one of those people who think our politicians should be smarter than the rest of us, not just more driven. I don't cotton to Rush and Sarah, not because they are Republicans, but because they are not George Will. But back to dog meat aboard the good ship Moo Shu.
Here's the rub, and why I am really angry at the Chinese for their choice of flight goodies. Probably one-third of the world's population finds nothing wrong in grilling up Fido. Face it. For some it's a cultural thing, eating dogs. For others, eating flesh of any kind is a novelty. I would think starving people might relish a good leg of poodle with mint jelly. While I appall that attitude, I do understand it.
To a good Hindu, I would expect eating chicken ala king in space pouches is offensive. Also vegetarians are offended often by the Western World's flesh eating proclivities. So now I have to think. And I don't want to think. I don't like to read directions and I don't want to think too hard.
I don't want to consider that eating a cow or a chicken is as offensive to some people as eating a dog is to me. I don't want to think that I might be hypocritical. I got nothing against cows and chickens except cows got snot in profusion and chickens are really stupid. But that's no reason to eat them because I can. I don't want to think that hard. I want my steak-- I want my Kentucky Fried wings. Chinese folks want their terrier.
So I got to think-- ruminate if you will. It makes me question. So then I move on to religion and God/god. Well, I don't want to tick people off. But why so complicated?
I want my hamburgers, I want my dogs not to look appetizing to my neighbors. I don't want to live on carrots. I don't want to consider too much.
I only ask for my family and friends to be happy and healthy, and that's not always the case. I'm tired of angst. I suffered teenage angst-- a mid-life crisis-- now senior depression. Only dementia could be an improvement.
STOP!
Freaking Chinese dog-eaters! Why do they have to start this? Okay, call me xenophobic. Call me any phobic you want. It might boost my readership-- but don't make me think. I am a blabber sort of person. Not a considerer. I write that way. I live that way. I put together jigsaw puzzles in a way that makes more considering sorts crazy.
Give me black and white. No shades of gray. And I don't want to have to think about which "gray/grey" I should be using in this sentence.

VISITING FARMVILLE FARMER MAULED BY DOG!

A FarmVille farmer visiting a neighbor's farm was seriously mauled by a dog yesterday. Bobbie Joe Pickney came to her neighbor's farm "just to pull some weeds, fertilize some crops, and feed the chickens" when she was brutally attacked by her neighbor's dog Cuddles. Ms. Pickney said she has visited her neighbor's farm, owned by Joe Bob Snickers many times before without incident.
Since FarmVille has no ambulances, doctors, or hospitals, Ms. Pickney was rushed to the post office in a tractor where the Arborists (tree surgeons) operated for three hours in order to close up her wounds.
Joe Bob Snickers has made no statements regarding the attack and has referred all inquiries to his Facebook lawyers. Ms. Pickney is in serious but "stable" condition at her FV post office.

B.C News-- She-Wolf Killed-- Oracles Say Great Civilization Will Not Be Founded

Date 750 B.C. even though we don't know what B.C. means.



Saraus Palenus, great wolf hunter has killed a she-wolf in the Etruscan area of Italy. The she-wolf had two human pups that unfortunately died. Romulus and Remus, the pupus humanus were discovered later, dead from lack of nourishment.

Oracles have stated that the twins were due to form a great civilization. Such a civilization will not be founded due to the death of the human pups.

When asked for a comment, Saraus Palenus said "Enlightment is not all it is cracked up to be. You betcha."

Saraus Palenus-- Great Wolf Hunter