Saturday, July 17, 2010

Tiger Woods and Lady Gaga? Wesley Snipes? Why This Blog? Double Rainbow.

The news is that I have no news about Lady Gaga and Tiger Woods. No hilarious video of Double Rainbows or even Wesley Snipes. So why this blog? You may ask, why do I continue to torture both you and myself with these self-indulgent rantings. Here was the original idea.
I had a picture of my dog in space. It is framed and well-loved. Lulu, my dog, on the moon. Somehow I deluded myself into thinking that I could base a website upon the idea that people would flock to me just because I would run pictures of dogs in weird or historical situations, all photo-shopped of course.
My mind worked thusly (I read a lot of Winston Churchill and he says things like that):
Ah, people will flock to me because I am so clever. They will not be able to resist sending in photos of their animals, in weird situations, like in space. Then with the millions, no perhaps billions I will earn from this pursuit, I will run for governor of California. I will look like Ben Franklin but talk like Arnold. Cal-e-for-nee-ah.

Well apparently people have better things to do than waste their time photo-shopping their dogs into weird situations. But I don't!
Unfortunately I have joined the ranks of the great unwashed mass of the unemployed. Oh, it's a long story, and I am in a far better situation than many Americans who are not working. I have an income.
I awake, drink coffee and fart around on the computer for awhile. I write my blog. Then I water my garden and putter as my wife calls it outside. I may walk my dog, or not. I read-- a lot. Sometimes, rarely, I write on my novel.
My wife tells me that I have this gift of time and I am wasting it. Guilty.
I know I suffer depression. I am often tired. I nap a lot. What is wrong with me? If only you would all see my brilliance, I would be a worthwhile person. Artistic success allows one tons of eccentricities.
Well, some of you have responded to the call of this blog. I'm working on it. That can be said of me. I am working on it.
I've decided to take a class in the fall, anthropology I think I have decided. I try.
Stay with me all. I am working on it. I try to be a good person. I don't know what will go on my tombstone. Probably nothing very exciting.
"He slept a lot."
"I'd rather be in Petaluma."
"God save the Queen."
Here's what I do know. About Winston Churchill. I have read his massive volumes (4?) on WWII. I am currently reading his history of the English-speaking world. I have read Gilbert's books on both WWII and WWI. I read "Catcher in the Rye" twice and also Tolkein's books twice. I have read all of Doyle's Sherlock Holmes' stories. I have written two bad books.
Ah, here's some good stuff. I wrote hundreds of newspaper and magazine articles. I have written a lot of short stories, published some, and was nominated for a Pushcart Prize. That's an award for excellence in fiction published by small presses. No, I was just nominated.
I'm good at Jeopardy but can't pass the online test.
I probably am much more honest than you might think. But less than I should be.
I feel old.
I think I look like Fire Marshall Bill from In Living Color. Kids wear your sunscreen.
I desperately need praise. That is my downfall.
I want to be considered a good person. Perhaps that much I have achieved, the consideration, but I have failed in the execution. I have squandered my chances. There you have it. Why I write. Why dogs bite.
You know, if I were younger I could be like that guy on TV who does the Slapshot chopper commercial. Zucchini, bikini, bandini.
That's what shall go on my tombstone. "He could've been in a slapshot commercial." God help me and be kind.Oh, well, if I am ever at a loss for words, there is always Sarah Palin to rely upon. Thanks Sarah, as long as you are around I will always have something to write about.
My life is complete.

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