The Real Story of the "Royal" Family--By Lulu/Mariam the Dog

So I was supposed to take over this blog long ago. It was promised to me but one little critical remark about high master muckety-muck alpha male, and my column gets put on hiatus. What did I say so wrong, that alpha male slept all day and never took me out for a walk? Was that a lie? This guy was a disaster. Really. He was depressed as could be. He ought to thank me for my perceptions. Two-and-one-half years this guy couldn't snap out of it. Now, he seems a little better but he's gone all day, too tired to play when he gets home, and still no walk. How is this fair, I ask you?

Alpha female gets me out a walking a few times a week. I like that. Now she's home all day. That's pretty cool really. She looks me in the face and talks to me all the time. I like that, but she did slap my butt the other day when I barked at that weird lady with the weird coat and her weird poodle. She said I was going to wake the baby. But what could she expect? The lady's coat is like a million years out of date, and her dog has got sneaky eyes. Hello, this is 2012 and you are not on the ski slopes and poodles are passe. Do you see poodles on tv as anything but a joke? Cute mixed-breeds are in honey.

Don't think I'm going to pull any punches here. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Here's the thing. Did anyone think to ask me before they pasted my image all over this blog? What is my image anyway, public domain? HELLO? I mean what the hell? If I'm good enough to use as a model, how bout at least at little mention. Think I'm going to post another head shot here. Not on your life.

So, I covered Alpha male and female. Now to the rest. You know Ren from Ren and Stimpy? That nihilistic little chihuahua? That is Moo. Now Moo, his alpha male, female and alpha baby stayed here for three months while they looked for a house. At first I was kind of shocked when I wasn't even asked my opinion of this. Could you at least have asked me? Anyway, you'd think it would be great having Moo the chihuahua/terrier mix around. I thought we could hang out in the back yard, and chase squirrels and birds and bark at the neighbors together, but no, little Mr. Sissy Pants gets sick in the back yard, how precious. He was a depressed little pain around here, and though I know he's got issues, come on. Sheeze, he spent more time in bed than Alpha used to. At least he could have helped me raid the garbage once in a while. Oh well, how was he to know his alphas were going to have a human puppy?

That reminds me about Holly, the human puppy who lived here for awhile. She is pretty cool when you get used to her. When she first started hanging around, she was like this squawking little bare bird or something. If you just looked at her, she'd want to crap her pants, or eat, or turn over, Except for crapping, she couldn't do anything for herself, and you'd think she'd learn to go outside to do that, but she still hasn't learned anything about house training. She's a little slow if you ask me. By six months a dog puppy has pretty much learned not to mess in the house--if not, they kind of hit the paper most of the time anyway. A human puppy carries their crap around in their pants. It's uncivilized if you ask me. But this human puppy Holly is really very affectionate. She wants to hug me all the time, or follow me around holding onto my butt like we're in some conga line. Once in a while, she'll drop the food she's eating, and I can get to it before that little vulture Moo--so she has some good points.

Which reminds me--hey, my alphas--if you don't like those frozen meatballs and fatty little chicken bites, what makes you think I want it? No sauce even. If I wasn't so hungry all the time eating those crunchy little round things, I'd turn my nose up at that crap you feed me to get rid of it. Really. Two cups of food and a couple of cookies each day? You try eating that. ARE YOU GUYS GETTING MY MESSAGE? Why not throw me a bone now and again? How bout those chicken breasts or a cube of butter? No. Let me just watch you eat those Pepperidge Farms cookies then. Know how many calories are in those? Enough to sustain a dog I bet.

Finally I will describe the other dog in my life, the female Xena. She's about the same age as Moo, but lives with her alphas and an alpha adolescent name Anika. I do like that Anika. She like doesn't tell me to shut up or get down or anything like that. If I want to sleep with her, that isn't a problem. She pets me and acts nice. There's no crap in her pants at all.

Xena's humans besides Anika are okay for people. It's not like they feed me any more than my humans though. I stay with them sometimes, and sometimes Xena stays at my house. Xena is a terrible attention hound. If I am getting some affection from a human, and she's around, bam, she knocks me out of the way and butts in. Really, have some dignity black dog. Why so needy? There's plenty of affection to go around. Let me have mine. After all, I am the senior dog in this freaking family. Relax!

Well, that's about it, the good and the bad. Everyone of the humans has a few weird habits. The dogs too aren't perfect, even me. Hey, I grew up in the streets. I used to be known as Miriam in my past. I spent some time homeless. My original family let me stay in jail, and didn't even try to bail me out. Then came these guys. Truthfully, these overly-enthusiastic folks scared me to death when I first met them. Didn't want anything to do with Alpha male. I seem to remember some issues with a broom from my past. Don't want to think about it. I've been here a long time now, and it's a good place. There's squirrels, raccoons, skunks (nasty creatures,) an occasional possum, gophers, lizards, well, the amusements are endless. I even get a rat sometimes. It's a good life, if you guys would just consult me now and again regarding household matters.

Finally, what's with this name you guys gave me anyway? Lulu? Try living with that moniker. You know why no humans are named Lulu anymore? It's a stupid name!

That's it.